William Matthew "Liam" Ellis
A year ago today, this beautiful boy's heart was beating inside of me. A year ago today our lives changed forever. I don't have many words for what this reminder has brought back to memory, but I am going to try.
This year has been one of the best and worst years of my life.
Worst because my son isn't here in my arms or in a rock-n-play as I type. I don't get to hear his giggle, see him smile or rock him in the middle of the night when he can't sleep. I don't get to be a mother by the earthly definition (even though I know I am already a mama). Recently I have discovered this year has been tough because my relationship with the Lord took the back burner. Going to Him in prayer and to His Word was too hard because I was challenged to face hard things that I just didn't want to deal with. I found this hard because I never thought it would be possible for me to feel that way towards God. However, it is very clear in Scripture that even some people struggled and wrestled with the Lord. David wrote many of the psalms working through his anger towards the Lord, Psalm 43 to reference one. But, at the end of that particular Psalm, David comes to a place where he can still praise the Lord.
This year has also been the best year because Jordan and I got to celebrate conceiving a child and telling all of Facebook 12 weeks later! I also meet some pretty incredible people through my 5-week stay in the hospital. But mostly because I really had to evaluate my relationship with God. To be honest with you all, I have struggled with wanting to go to him at all. My thoughts usually end up like "how dare He take my son away from me? and "How can this ever be considered loving and caring for me?" But, God has shown me His grace and has been patient, allowing me to work through all of these emotions.
Lately, God has really been revealing Himself to me in ways I could have never imagined. Jordan and I recently made a difficult move back to Lexington for his job. While this was not my first choice, I can already tell that God came before us and placed us here for a reason (which we don't know yet, but I know God knows). We have made some incredible new friends who have shown us God's love and grace in allowing us to share our grief with them and let them into this part of our lives.
It has taken me a long time to get up the courage to pick up this computer and write again. But, one thing that has encouraged me is a book my dad found for us. It is called "Through the Eyes of a Lion" by Levi Lusko (link to the website if you click on the title). I haven't finished this book yet, but I highly recommend it to every one. He doesn't just write to someone going through what we are going through, but to people as a whole to prepare themselves for when struggles or trials come. There are so many truths that I have already gotten out of this book, I wish I could share them all with you. But one of my favorite things he says is that the weight won't get lighter, but I will get stronger. By allowing Jesus to come into this part of our lives again, He will give Jordan and I the strength to carry this until the day we get to be with Jesus worshiping together with our first born son.
