This year has flown by, but at the same time it has crawled. I can't believe this time last year we had the honor of meeting our son, loving on him as he fought for life and holding him as he went to be with his Maker. Carrying Liam for the 26 weeks and 4 days that I was able was the biggest honor I could have ever been given. It was during those 26 weeks that Jordan and I began to learn about how to be good parents, how to fully place our child into God's loving hands and out of our control, and learned how to love each other more through hard times. I look back on those 26 weeks and see a time that propelled me closer to the Lord because He was the only secure thing I had to hold on to.
To be completely honest though, this summer was the darkest time of my life. I wanted to understand the why, how and what's next of the whole situation. However, God does not promise that we will understand all His purposes here on this earth. I do have hope that when I get to Heaven, I will be shown how He used this tragedy for my own good and how His love was shown through it all.
I was told at my doctors appointments after having Liam that because of the type of C-Section I had, I would need to wait 9 months to try to get pregnant again. Back then, that seemed like an eternity. As we grieved the loss of our son (and are still grieving), I knew God had given me the desire for more children. That doesn't mean that I wasn't terrified that it would all happen again, or that we couldn't get pregnant; I had those fears every day. I am so thankful for the group of women that I have met at BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) that have walked through this with me and prayed for all those fears. After much prayer, Jordan and I felt as though we should try to get pregnant as soon as we could after those 9 months. It wasn't long before the Lord blessed us with another beating heart. I felt so much peace about the pregnancy and just hoped everything was going to go as smooth as it could this time. However, it wasn't long before Liam's brother or sister joined him in heaven. My heart broke again for the second time in one year.
I truly believe that God did not plan this for my life, but I have faith that He has a purpose. As sweet friend of mine reminded me that pain was not in God's original design for His creation. He never wants us to hurt, but He can use that hurt to bring us closer to Him and proclaim His love to those around us. I recently heard a pastor say "If God didn't give it, you don't have to keep it." I loved this statement. Because there are a lot of things that I struggle with emotionally, that I know God didn't give me. Second Timothy 1:7 says "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and a sound mind." God wants His people to have strength and love to face the trials that He does allow in our lives.
As we celebrate our Liam's 1st birthday today, I know he is getting the best, most over-the-top, better-than-Pinterest-could-ever-do birthday party. He gets to celebrate with the One who created Him.
