the beginning of the journey

*Disclaimer: This is going to be a longer post because there is a lot to the beginning of the story. The updates that will follow will be shorter. This is also going to be a memorial for Jordan and I to look back on, to remember this time.*

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

The verses above are some of the first verses I can remember memorizing. I always knew these were verses that I wanted somewhere in my child’s nursery. They are such a sweet reminder of how personal our creator really is. He has knit and formed each and every one of us in a specific way. Now, the one verse I never really thought too much about was verse 16, “all the days ordained for me were written in your book.” That verse has become more special to me over the last 3 weeks.

August 30, 2014, I woke up around 6am because I knew I was going to be taking THE test to tell whether or not Jordan and I would become parents in 10 months. It didn’t take long for the test to show up positive. I was thrilled; I crawled back in bed to tell Jordan the good news. We couldn’t wait to share this news with our family. From the beginning everything was going smoothly, the baby was growing and momma wasn’t horribly sick. I was so excited and thought constantly of the future Jordan and I would have with our little blessing.

Fast forward to October 30, 2014; I was at work doing my normal everyday routine. I went to the restroom, and saw what no pregnant woman ever wants to see. Blood. I immediately called Jordan, my mom and the doctor; the doctor’s office then worked me in for an ultrasound. They were able to see a great heartbeat and a moving baby. My fears were relieved. They gave me a few reasons for the bleeding, but mostly told me to be at pelvic rest until the bleeding stopped. One week later, the bleeding was still continuing. It was mostly spotting, but still not a good feeling. So, I went to the doctor the following week only to be told the same thing. The baby was healthy and growing. From that appointment, I tried to just believe that the doctors knew what they were talking about, and continue to be positive that the baby was still healthy and growing.

I had recently confessed to a few people that I really was struggling with a desire to get into the Word. Being pregnant and the reality of being a parent had opened my eyes to the fact that I needed to be rooted in the Gospel if I wanted my children to grow up learning about Jesus. So, I started to pray that God would give me that desire. I know that God works in ways that we can never fully comprehend but little did I know He was getting ready to work in the biggest way.

Jordan had to travel to Ann Arbor, MI for work on Tuesday Nov 12, so I went to stay at my parents’ house to avoid being alone in our condo. When it was time to go to sleep on Wednesday the 13^th, something just didn’t feel right. I had trouble falling asleep and just felt a little anxious about something. I started to feel something leaking, so I would try to use the restroom, but that didn’t seem to stop it. I finally fell asleep, only to wake up at 11:45 to see a large watermark on the sheets. I ran downstairs to get my mom to come and look at it. I was completely unaware of what it could possibly be. We both tried to get some sleep, but it didn’t come very easy. Thursday morning, I woke up, got ready and waited for the doctor’s office to open at 9:00am. They wanted me to come in immediately.

Mom and I headed to the doctor’s office, both unsure of what the prognosis was going to be. They called me back for the ultrasound and from the very beginning I knew something wasn’t right. The always happy and joyful ultrasound tech, Susan, had a look of concern on her face. She took a few pictures, and then went to get the Nurse Practitioner to take a look herself.  Our fears were confirmed; my water had broken at almost 15 weeks pregnant. From my little knowledge I had, all I could think was this pregnancy was about to end. Susan hugged me so tight for so long just telling me how sorry she was that this was all happening. The NP recommended that we see a specialist the same day to confirm what happened and take a closer look. At this time, my mom texted Jordan and said he needed to leave as soon as he could. Unfortunately, he wouldn’t be able to make it back in time for the appointment because of the long drive.

We arrived at Baptist Hospital at 1:00 pm. They got me ready for the ultrasound and the doctor came in. I called Jordan and put him on speakerphone so that he could hear and participate in the appointment. Once he started talking, it was kind of hard to follow him. He was using a lot of words that I had no idea what they meant. He confirmed that my water had broken, but found a blood clot in my uterus and that my placenta had partially separated.  He explained that the clot was likely the cause for the bleeding in the prior weeks, and the bleeding may have weakened the membranes causing my water to break. At this point, I just wanted to know what was going to happen. How was this going to affect my baby and my pregnancy? The doctor proceeded to tell me that there was only a 1-2% chance that the membranes would heal and the fluid would accumulate. From this point on, I would need to see my doctor every week, and make sure I am not getting an infection. I was able to keep my composure for the most part during his explanation, but when he left the weight of the situation finally hit me. How could this be happening to me on my first pregnancy? Everything was perfectly fine up to this point? Why did it have to be my first?

We got back to my parent’s house to wait for Jordan to get back in town, and all I wanted to do was lay on the couch and distract myself until he got home.  Any time I thought about it, I tried to remind myself that God is in control, He has a plan, and it is perfect. When Jordan walked in the door, I crumbled into his arms. Both of us crying over what we thought might be the loss of our child. We both talked about the events of that day and how we were feeling but I don’t think either of us could fully put into words our true thoughts.

Thursday night, we went back to our condo and sat. We would turn the TV on for background noise, but I know my mind wasn’t fully concentrated on those shows. Trying to go to bed that night was hard, but I was thankful to finally be able to rest my mind. I woke up Friday morning to a voicemail from the specialist wanting me to come back in and get some pictures of the baby’s kidneys and bladder. We didn’t get much more information, but confirmed that the baby’s organs were producing fluid.

Jordan stayed at the hospital to get some work done, so mom and I ran some errands. After all the facts of this situation sank in a little, the emotions of having to run into people who knew I was pregnant and try to explain what was going on was just overwhelming. How do you explain to someone who just found out you were pregnant that there have been major complications? 

As the weekend went on, I tried to think positively. But the only knowledge I had was that there was only a 1-2% chance my baby was going to live much longer. I had Jordan hide all of the baby stuff we had already bought and began to mourn the loss of our child. That weekend, any time I would see a pregnant woman, my thoughts would automatically gravitate towards “I am not going to get to look like that in the spring.” But, I would continue to pray and remind myself of God’s promises. “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” Psalm 139:16.  

That following Monday I decided to go to work because I was either going to sit at home and think about everything or go to work and be a little distracted. My appointment to see my doctor was at 3:00, so I just had to make it through a little more than half a workday. When Jordan and I got to the appointment, we were both just praying for a heartbeat and some guidance on how to make this process a little easier. They did the ultrasound and the baby had a really strong heartbeat, 167. All the organs were still looking the way they should, but there was still no fluid. The ultrasound tech was very talkative but was able to share some stories of women with similar situations. So she told me I needed to majorly increase my fluids in order to get more fluid to the baby.  Then, when we sat down and talked to the doctor, we had a few questions about what the situation would look like if the baby happened to pass away and if there was anything he could suggest for me to do to help the fluid stay inside my uterus. Historically, bed rest would have been the first option, but after some research it hasn’t proved to do as much good in a situation like mine. He told me to stay at pelvic rest, increase my fluid, and make sure I am not showing signs of infection.

I left this appointment encouraged. I had heard some stories of other women’s babies surviving, and was told a few things that might be able to help me stay healthy and keep this baby alive. I was going to do everything physically possible to keep my body healthy, but I also needed to pray that the Ultimate Physician would intervene and perform a miracle with my child. It was this very same day that my friend Dana shared with me a daily devotion blog called She Reads Truth. God knew exactly what truths I needed to be reminded of that day and for the next 13 days; Give Thanks In Everything.  I would encourage everyone to visit that website and take a look at the Give Thanks devotional. 

I followed the devotion day by day and continually tried to remind myself to give thanks for this situation. I have to remember that God is the past, present and future and He is already present in May when this baby is supposed to be born. He knows the outcome of this baby’s life and I trust in His plan.  But, we all have our days, and the Sunday before my next appointment was one of those days. I was anxious, nervous and just wanted to be at the appointment as soon as I could. There are a lot of things that can happen in a week, and all I prayed was that the baby would still have a heartbeat. I had continued to have some leaking throughout the week, so I wasn’t too hopefully for fluid, but if the baby had a heartbeat that would be a miracle of its own. Jordan couldn’t attend this appointment, so mom went with me. Neither of us were prepared for what kind of a miracle God had in store.

Susan was scheduled to do my ultrasound again. The first thing they always look for is the heartbeat, and it was around 157. Praise be to the Lord; an answer to prayer. She looked around at all the organs, and everything was still looking good. She decided to take a closer look at the heart, and I will never ever forget what she saw. The look of amazement on her face was enough encouragement to me to keep praying and staying as positive as I could about this pregnancy. She said that in her 27 years of being an ultrasound tech, she had never been able to see all four chambers of a baby’s heart around 16 weeks with no fluid around the baby. Even with fluid, she told us that it is still very hard to see all four.  But because we serve a God who is bigger than science, baby E showed all four chambers of his or her heart. What a miracle!! I will continue to be amazed by God’s works through this pregnancy, no matter what the outcome may be.

This is our journey. I would love for you to join along and pray for us while we are on this journey. I will be posting updates via Facebook hopefully on a regular basis. Thank you to all of you who have already been a major part of the journey of Baby E.