2 months

It has been almost 2 months since this whole journey of waiting and not knowing started. I cannot believe that. Some weeks seem to fly by, while there are some weeks that seem to drag on forever. Time usually goes slower the day or two before I have an appointment. 

Once again, the day before the appointment held some challenges that I am not sure I will ever get used to. For the majority of the day on Monday I had very little leaking and was resting a lot. It was around 3:00 that I went to the restroom and once again saw blood. I immediately just laid on the couch, called Jordan to tell him and prayed. My doctor told me that unless there was a significant amount of bleeding and cramps, I didn't need to worry too much about the blood. Easier said than done. I began to think any pain was a cramp and constantly went to the restroom to see if there was more. While, there were some cramp-like pains, the bleeding had stopped before I went to bed. Jordan and I were just hanging out that night watching TV, I tried so hard to not think about the possibility of the worst. When I let those thoughts into my heart and mind, I would immediately start crying and worry about what the next day’s appointment had in store. Trying to go to bed that night was not easy, but I was finally able to get some rest. 

I tried to sleep later than I normally do in hopes it would make the day go by a little quicker. My mom came to hang out and eat lunch with me so that I wasn't alone and worrying the whole day. It is surprising how fast a day can go when you are distracted with a mom and Gilmore girls. Three o'clock was here before we knew it. My mom dropped me off at the appointment and Jordan was met me there. Thankfully, they were running on schedule and we didn't have to wait too long to be called back. They had us go into an examining room first, which was different than the weeks before. The doctor used the Doppler to find the heartbeat first and his first words were "Well, there's Old Faithful!" He was immediately able to find a strong heartbeat. I asked if we would be getting an ultrasound, and he said they would send me back there after he examined me. 

At this point, I was reassured that everything looked good and sounded good with the baby's heartbeat. So, the ultrasound would be just for us to see the baby and get some pictures. Susan, our now sweet friend, was still talking about last week and how our baby had flipped from head down to breeched. She told us the heart rate was 153, good and strong! This wasn't a full diagnostic scan, but she just looked around to make sure everything still looked good. Our sweet little babe was wiggling around in the little room it has. So, we were able to watch that for a little while which was a sweet blessing. 

After the ultrasound, we went to our doctor’s office to ask some questions and talk about the next step. Now that we are getting so much closer to the baby being able to survive outside of the womb, there are a few things that I wanted to know more about. I will be 20 weeks on Friday, so if I can make it 4 more weeks we will start doing more to help the baby's lung production and do whatever we can to keep this baby in as long as possible. My doctor also wanted me to go ahead and start seeing a specialist that deals with more high-risk pregnancies. I will start seeing the same specialist I saw the first time my water broke. (I am sure he is going to be shocked to see me since he told me there was only a 1-2% chance this baby would live.)  

 From this point on, I will be going on modified bed rest. So, I will be staying at home doing lots of sitting, laying down and resting. I am still able to walk around the house and get ready, but the majority of my day needs to be spent sitting or lying down. After the holidays I will for sure be taking up some new hobbies and doing lots of binge Netflix marathons.

 I don't think I can say thank you enough to all those who have been asking, praying and loving on me, Jordan and this baby. We continue to hear some amazing stories of how this blog has touched so many people’s lives. I thank the Lord that He led you here, and I continue to pray that our child's life will be a testimony to many people.

18 weeks

18 weeks. By this point, I thought I would be deciding a theme for the nursery, picking out our girl or boy clothes and starting our registry. I also thought for sure that people would be able to tell I was pregnant. I know that all those things could still happen; but, my timing just isn’t quite the same as the Lord's perfect timing.


In most pregnancies, there are several milestones in the second trimester.  At sixteen to seventeen weeks you find out the gender, and twenty weeks is the half way point until you get to meet your sweet babe. But for me, each week (sometimes day) is a milestone.  I thank the Lord every day that I don’t see blood, feel pains or have a fever. Each milestone means we are one day closer to this baby being able to survive.


If any of you knew me when I was growing up, you knew I was an emotional little girl (my family can attest to this).  I cried all the time. All the time. About everything. I probably didn't grow out of this until high school. My emotions were how I dealt with any problem or situation. However, as I got older I learned to control these emotions so that they don't come out as often or in the wrong place/time. With the current situation, its not that I haven't been emotional; because that first weekend was pretty rough. But, I definitely have noticed a different strength and peace. A strength and peace that can only come from the Lord. Ten years ago, if you would have told me that this would all happen I probably would have guessed that I would be an emotional wreck. I probably would have not been able to get out of bed. However, because our God gives us what we need in the time that we need it; I have been able to continue living my life with hope and certainty that God has this all under control. I will confess that there are days that I don't always believe that this is going to have a happy ending or I doubt what God is trying to teach me through this. But, when those thoughts come, I combat them with truth. Psalm 139:16 "all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." 
 


Wednesday was one of those days. I woke up from a pretty terrible nights sleep, and just felt the anxiety of going to another appointment and the uncertainties of the day. It was a good thing my appointment was at 11:00 because I don't think I would have been able to make it until later that afternoon. I was so thankful Jordan was here this week and able to go with me to the appointment. This was the appointment where we were supposed to measure the baby and found out the gender. So, it was a little bittersweet knowing there was a chance we wouldn't be able to know the gender but our main concern was that the baby would still have a heartbeat. My name was called and we walked back to the ultrasound room. Susan was scheduled to do my ultrasound again. I am so thankful to have seen her so many times because she is starting to get to know us and is really cheering us on! We were immediately able to find the heartbeat again. This little baby is a fighter. She looked a little surprised when she noticed the babies placement. She asked me if the baby was head down last week, and I said yes. However, the screen was showing the baby head up! Susan was so intrigued by how the baby could have flipped in just a week with no fluid. Once again, evidence that our God is bigger than all of this. She did a more in depth diagnostic study to see how the baby was growing. Everything she measured was in between 17 and 18 weeks which she thought looked very good. The baby weighs about 8 oz. I asked Susan if she could see what the gender was, and she tried really hard. But, with the butt being down and there being no fluid, it wasn't the day where we would get to find out. The last thing she looked for was fluid, and unfortunately there wasn't any in my uterus this week.
 


I left the appointment happy that we made it another week with a living and growing baby, but also discouraged that the fluid that was in there last week was gone.  
Everything within me just wants things to start moving forward at every appointment and not take any steps backward. But, we had to celebrate the fact that the baby still had a strong heartbeat! 

I went to hang out at my parents after the appointment. Not too long after getting home, I went to the bathroom and saw something I haven't seen in close to a month...blood. I immediately called my doctor, and he told me to take it easy the rest of the night, and call him the next day at lunch. I walked around as little as possible, took two Tylenol PMs and went to sleep. I took the following day off work to recuperate and process everything that had gone on the day before. Thankfully, there was no more blood, no fever or pains. My doctor was encouraged by that, but definitely suggested moving as little as possible. So, this weekend in my free time (which is almost all day) you will find me on the couch, watching Christmas movies or Gilmore girls. 

Please continue to pray that the fluid will stay in my uterus and that this sweet baby continues to fight and grow. 

Answered Prayers

Wow! I am not even sure where to start except a HUGE thank you to all those who have been praying for Jordan, myself and this little blessing. All your prayers were felt, appreciated and ANSWERED!

This past Monday was my weekly appointment. I was pretty anxious about what the ultrasound might tell us. Jordan's job required that he had travel out of town for the week so my mom went with me to this appointment. Over the weekend, my prayers were desperate for a heartbeat because I don't think I could handle any more bad news with Jordan gone. I woke up Monday morning with a pretty terrible headache (as I am very familiar with during this pregnancy), and decided that I should probably stay home from work to avoid staring at two computer screens all day and stressing about work. I tried to stay as busy as I could throughout the day to take my mind off the anxiety that was creeping into my heart before this appointment.

Before walking into the building, mom and I prayed for peace and that His will would be done. Since all of this began, I have definitely learned that waiting is going to be a major part of this pregnancy. Waiting for my name to be called, waiting to see if there is a heartbeat, waiting to find fluid. God is teaching me a great lesson in patience.

Susan was scheduled to do my ultrasound again. She got everything ready and started looking around. It was almost immediate that I could see that little heart fluttering away. She brought the sound up and measured the heartbeat. It was a strong 145, Praise the Lord for an answered prayer. She continued to look around at the spine, brain and other organs and said everything was looking just as it should. She pointed out the bladder and the stomach and could tell there was fluid inside both of those organs, which is evidence that the baby is taking in fluids. As she was looking around, I was looking at the screen and saw some black spots indicating fluid. I asked if that is what it was and she found a little pocket of fluid. Another evidence of answered prayers.

After the ultrasound, we were led to a room to wait for my doctor. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face! The doctor walked in and had a totally different demeanor. He asked how we were doing to which I responded "really good now!" He responded back "I hear we have some good news today." He asked if I had any questions before he gave me some information. With all the good news, I couldn't really think of any new questions that I wanted answered. He proceeded to tell me to continue increasing my fluids, resting and making sure I am not getting a fever. From this point on in the conversation, he was cautiously optimistic about the future of my pregnancy. He spoke about what the next couple of weeks could look like, but he also didn't want to think too far into the future. He told me how impressed he was with how I was handling the situation by being very positive and hopeful but also realistic. It was at that point during our conversation I was extremely thankful to have the strength of the Lord.  I know that I wouldn't be able to have the outlook or attitude I have had the past few weeks without the strength and peace of the Lord.

I would like to pause and say thank you to all those who have prayed, sent sweet messages, and walked along with us during this crazy time. I have been so encouraged by everything.  God has brought some incredible women into my life through this situation who have had similar stories or just loved Jordan and I well. As another soon-to-be momma shared with me, Baby E already has a testimony and God is already using his or her life to reach others for God's glory. What a sweet thought to hold on to as we wait...