2 months

It has been almost 2 months since this whole journey of waiting and not knowing started. I cannot believe that. Some weeks seem to fly by, while there are some weeks that seem to drag on forever. Time usually goes slower the day or two before I have an appointment. 

Once again, the day before the appointment held some challenges that I am not sure I will ever get used to. For the majority of the day on Monday I had very little leaking and was resting a lot. It was around 3:00 that I went to the restroom and once again saw blood. I immediately just laid on the couch, called Jordan to tell him and prayed. My doctor told me that unless there was a significant amount of bleeding and cramps, I didn't need to worry too much about the blood. Easier said than done. I began to think any pain was a cramp and constantly went to the restroom to see if there was more. While, there were some cramp-like pains, the bleeding had stopped before I went to bed. Jordan and I were just hanging out that night watching TV, I tried so hard to not think about the possibility of the worst. When I let those thoughts into my heart and mind, I would immediately start crying and worry about what the next day’s appointment had in store. Trying to go to bed that night was not easy, but I was finally able to get some rest. 

I tried to sleep later than I normally do in hopes it would make the day go by a little quicker. My mom came to hang out and eat lunch with me so that I wasn't alone and worrying the whole day. It is surprising how fast a day can go when you are distracted with a mom and Gilmore girls. Three o'clock was here before we knew it. My mom dropped me off at the appointment and Jordan was met me there. Thankfully, they were running on schedule and we didn't have to wait too long to be called back. They had us go into an examining room first, which was different than the weeks before. The doctor used the Doppler to find the heartbeat first and his first words were "Well, there's Old Faithful!" He was immediately able to find a strong heartbeat. I asked if we would be getting an ultrasound, and he said they would send me back there after he examined me. 

At this point, I was reassured that everything looked good and sounded good with the baby's heartbeat. So, the ultrasound would be just for us to see the baby and get some pictures. Susan, our now sweet friend, was still talking about last week and how our baby had flipped from head down to breeched. She told us the heart rate was 153, good and strong! This wasn't a full diagnostic scan, but she just looked around to make sure everything still looked good. Our sweet little babe was wiggling around in the little room it has. So, we were able to watch that for a little while which was a sweet blessing. 

After the ultrasound, we went to our doctor’s office to ask some questions and talk about the next step. Now that we are getting so much closer to the baby being able to survive outside of the womb, there are a few things that I wanted to know more about. I will be 20 weeks on Friday, so if I can make it 4 more weeks we will start doing more to help the baby's lung production and do whatever we can to keep this baby in as long as possible. My doctor also wanted me to go ahead and start seeing a specialist that deals with more high-risk pregnancies. I will start seeing the same specialist I saw the first time my water broke. (I am sure he is going to be shocked to see me since he told me there was only a 1-2% chance this baby would live.)  

 From this point on, I will be going on modified bed rest. So, I will be staying at home doing lots of sitting, laying down and resting. I am still able to walk around the house and get ready, but the majority of my day needs to be spent sitting or lying down. After the holidays I will for sure be taking up some new hobbies and doing lots of binge Netflix marathons.

 I don't think I can say thank you enough to all those who have been asking, praying and loving on me, Jordan and this baby. We continue to hear some amazing stories of how this blog has touched so many people’s lives. I thank the Lord that He led you here, and I continue to pray that our child's life will be a testimony to many people.

18 weeks

18 weeks. By this point, I thought I would be deciding a theme for the nursery, picking out our girl or boy clothes and starting our registry. I also thought for sure that people would be able to tell I was pregnant. I know that all those things could still happen; but, my timing just isn’t quite the same as the Lord's perfect timing.


In most pregnancies, there are several milestones in the second trimester.  At sixteen to seventeen weeks you find out the gender, and twenty weeks is the half way point until you get to meet your sweet babe. But for me, each week (sometimes day) is a milestone.  I thank the Lord every day that I don’t see blood, feel pains or have a fever. Each milestone means we are one day closer to this baby being able to survive.


If any of you knew me when I was growing up, you knew I was an emotional little girl (my family can attest to this).  I cried all the time. All the time. About everything. I probably didn't grow out of this until high school. My emotions were how I dealt with any problem or situation. However, as I got older I learned to control these emotions so that they don't come out as often or in the wrong place/time. With the current situation, its not that I haven't been emotional; because that first weekend was pretty rough. But, I definitely have noticed a different strength and peace. A strength and peace that can only come from the Lord. Ten years ago, if you would have told me that this would all happen I probably would have guessed that I would be an emotional wreck. I probably would have not been able to get out of bed. However, because our God gives us what we need in the time that we need it; I have been able to continue living my life with hope and certainty that God has this all under control. I will confess that there are days that I don't always believe that this is going to have a happy ending or I doubt what God is trying to teach me through this. But, when those thoughts come, I combat them with truth. Psalm 139:16 "all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." 
 


Wednesday was one of those days. I woke up from a pretty terrible nights sleep, and just felt the anxiety of going to another appointment and the uncertainties of the day. It was a good thing my appointment was at 11:00 because I don't think I would have been able to make it until later that afternoon. I was so thankful Jordan was here this week and able to go with me to the appointment. This was the appointment where we were supposed to measure the baby and found out the gender. So, it was a little bittersweet knowing there was a chance we wouldn't be able to know the gender but our main concern was that the baby would still have a heartbeat. My name was called and we walked back to the ultrasound room. Susan was scheduled to do my ultrasound again. I am so thankful to have seen her so many times because she is starting to get to know us and is really cheering us on! We were immediately able to find the heartbeat again. This little baby is a fighter. She looked a little surprised when she noticed the babies placement. She asked me if the baby was head down last week, and I said yes. However, the screen was showing the baby head up! Susan was so intrigued by how the baby could have flipped in just a week with no fluid. Once again, evidence that our God is bigger than all of this. She did a more in depth diagnostic study to see how the baby was growing. Everything she measured was in between 17 and 18 weeks which she thought looked very good. The baby weighs about 8 oz. I asked Susan if she could see what the gender was, and she tried really hard. But, with the butt being down and there being no fluid, it wasn't the day where we would get to find out. The last thing she looked for was fluid, and unfortunately there wasn't any in my uterus this week.
 


I left the appointment happy that we made it another week with a living and growing baby, but also discouraged that the fluid that was in there last week was gone.  
Everything within me just wants things to start moving forward at every appointment and not take any steps backward. But, we had to celebrate the fact that the baby still had a strong heartbeat! 

I went to hang out at my parents after the appointment. Not too long after getting home, I went to the bathroom and saw something I haven't seen in close to a month...blood. I immediately called my doctor, and he told me to take it easy the rest of the night, and call him the next day at lunch. I walked around as little as possible, took two Tylenol PMs and went to sleep. I took the following day off work to recuperate and process everything that had gone on the day before. Thankfully, there was no more blood, no fever or pains. My doctor was encouraged by that, but definitely suggested moving as little as possible. So, this weekend in my free time (which is almost all day) you will find me on the couch, watching Christmas movies or Gilmore girls. 

Please continue to pray that the fluid will stay in my uterus and that this sweet baby continues to fight and grow. 

Answered Prayers

Wow! I am not even sure where to start except a HUGE thank you to all those who have been praying for Jordan, myself and this little blessing. All your prayers were felt, appreciated and ANSWERED!

This past Monday was my weekly appointment. I was pretty anxious about what the ultrasound might tell us. Jordan's job required that he had travel out of town for the week so my mom went with me to this appointment. Over the weekend, my prayers were desperate for a heartbeat because I don't think I could handle any more bad news with Jordan gone. I woke up Monday morning with a pretty terrible headache (as I am very familiar with during this pregnancy), and decided that I should probably stay home from work to avoid staring at two computer screens all day and stressing about work. I tried to stay as busy as I could throughout the day to take my mind off the anxiety that was creeping into my heart before this appointment.

Before walking into the building, mom and I prayed for peace and that His will would be done. Since all of this began, I have definitely learned that waiting is going to be a major part of this pregnancy. Waiting for my name to be called, waiting to see if there is a heartbeat, waiting to find fluid. God is teaching me a great lesson in patience.

Susan was scheduled to do my ultrasound again. She got everything ready and started looking around. It was almost immediate that I could see that little heart fluttering away. She brought the sound up and measured the heartbeat. It was a strong 145, Praise the Lord for an answered prayer. She continued to look around at the spine, brain and other organs and said everything was looking just as it should. She pointed out the bladder and the stomach and could tell there was fluid inside both of those organs, which is evidence that the baby is taking in fluids. As she was looking around, I was looking at the screen and saw some black spots indicating fluid. I asked if that is what it was and she found a little pocket of fluid. Another evidence of answered prayers.

After the ultrasound, we were led to a room to wait for my doctor. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face! The doctor walked in and had a totally different demeanor. He asked how we were doing to which I responded "really good now!" He responded back "I hear we have some good news today." He asked if I had any questions before he gave me some information. With all the good news, I couldn't really think of any new questions that I wanted answered. He proceeded to tell me to continue increasing my fluids, resting and making sure I am not getting a fever. From this point on in the conversation, he was cautiously optimistic about the future of my pregnancy. He spoke about what the next couple of weeks could look like, but he also didn't want to think too far into the future. He told me how impressed he was with how I was handling the situation by being very positive and hopeful but also realistic. It was at that point during our conversation I was extremely thankful to have the strength of the Lord.  I know that I wouldn't be able to have the outlook or attitude I have had the past few weeks without the strength and peace of the Lord.

I would like to pause and say thank you to all those who have prayed, sent sweet messages, and walked along with us during this crazy time. I have been so encouraged by everything.  God has brought some incredible women into my life through this situation who have had similar stories or just loved Jordan and I well. As another soon-to-be momma shared with me, Baby E already has a testimony and God is already using his or her life to reach others for God's glory. What a sweet thought to hold on to as we wait...

the beginning of the journey

*Disclaimer: This is going to be a longer post because there is a lot to the beginning of the story. The updates that will follow will be shorter. This is also going to be a memorial for Jordan and I to look back on, to remember this time.*

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

The verses above are some of the first verses I can remember memorizing. I always knew these were verses that I wanted somewhere in my child’s nursery. They are such a sweet reminder of how personal our creator really is. He has knit and formed each and every one of us in a specific way. Now, the one verse I never really thought too much about was verse 16, “all the days ordained for me were written in your book.” That verse has become more special to me over the last 3 weeks.

August 30, 2014, I woke up around 6am because I knew I was going to be taking THE test to tell whether or not Jordan and I would become parents in 10 months. It didn’t take long for the test to show up positive. I was thrilled; I crawled back in bed to tell Jordan the good news. We couldn’t wait to share this news with our family. From the beginning everything was going smoothly, the baby was growing and momma wasn’t horribly sick. I was so excited and thought constantly of the future Jordan and I would have with our little blessing.

Fast forward to October 30, 2014; I was at work doing my normal everyday routine. I went to the restroom, and saw what no pregnant woman ever wants to see. Blood. I immediately called Jordan, my mom and the doctor; the doctor’s office then worked me in for an ultrasound. They were able to see a great heartbeat and a moving baby. My fears were relieved. They gave me a few reasons for the bleeding, but mostly told me to be at pelvic rest until the bleeding stopped. One week later, the bleeding was still continuing. It was mostly spotting, but still not a good feeling. So, I went to the doctor the following week only to be told the same thing. The baby was healthy and growing. From that appointment, I tried to just believe that the doctors knew what they were talking about, and continue to be positive that the baby was still healthy and growing.

I had recently confessed to a few people that I really was struggling with a desire to get into the Word. Being pregnant and the reality of being a parent had opened my eyes to the fact that I needed to be rooted in the Gospel if I wanted my children to grow up learning about Jesus. So, I started to pray that God would give me that desire. I know that God works in ways that we can never fully comprehend but little did I know He was getting ready to work in the biggest way.

Jordan had to travel to Ann Arbor, MI for work on Tuesday Nov 12, so I went to stay at my parents’ house to avoid being alone in our condo. When it was time to go to sleep on Wednesday the 13^th, something just didn’t feel right. I had trouble falling asleep and just felt a little anxious about something. I started to feel something leaking, so I would try to use the restroom, but that didn’t seem to stop it. I finally fell asleep, only to wake up at 11:45 to see a large watermark on the sheets. I ran downstairs to get my mom to come and look at it. I was completely unaware of what it could possibly be. We both tried to get some sleep, but it didn’t come very easy. Thursday morning, I woke up, got ready and waited for the doctor’s office to open at 9:00am. They wanted me to come in immediately.

Mom and I headed to the doctor’s office, both unsure of what the prognosis was going to be. They called me back for the ultrasound and from the very beginning I knew something wasn’t right. The always happy and joyful ultrasound tech, Susan, had a look of concern on her face. She took a few pictures, and then went to get the Nurse Practitioner to take a look herself.  Our fears were confirmed; my water had broken at almost 15 weeks pregnant. From my little knowledge I had, all I could think was this pregnancy was about to end. Susan hugged me so tight for so long just telling me how sorry she was that this was all happening. The NP recommended that we see a specialist the same day to confirm what happened and take a closer look. At this time, my mom texted Jordan and said he needed to leave as soon as he could. Unfortunately, he wouldn’t be able to make it back in time for the appointment because of the long drive.

We arrived at Baptist Hospital at 1:00 pm. They got me ready for the ultrasound and the doctor came in. I called Jordan and put him on speakerphone so that he could hear and participate in the appointment. Once he started talking, it was kind of hard to follow him. He was using a lot of words that I had no idea what they meant. He confirmed that my water had broken, but found a blood clot in my uterus and that my placenta had partially separated.  He explained that the clot was likely the cause for the bleeding in the prior weeks, and the bleeding may have weakened the membranes causing my water to break. At this point, I just wanted to know what was going to happen. How was this going to affect my baby and my pregnancy? The doctor proceeded to tell me that there was only a 1-2% chance that the membranes would heal and the fluid would accumulate. From this point on, I would need to see my doctor every week, and make sure I am not getting an infection. I was able to keep my composure for the most part during his explanation, but when he left the weight of the situation finally hit me. How could this be happening to me on my first pregnancy? Everything was perfectly fine up to this point? Why did it have to be my first?

We got back to my parent’s house to wait for Jordan to get back in town, and all I wanted to do was lay on the couch and distract myself until he got home.  Any time I thought about it, I tried to remind myself that God is in control, He has a plan, and it is perfect. When Jordan walked in the door, I crumbled into his arms. Both of us crying over what we thought might be the loss of our child. We both talked about the events of that day and how we were feeling but I don’t think either of us could fully put into words our true thoughts.

Thursday night, we went back to our condo and sat. We would turn the TV on for background noise, but I know my mind wasn’t fully concentrated on those shows. Trying to go to bed that night was hard, but I was thankful to finally be able to rest my mind. I woke up Friday morning to a voicemail from the specialist wanting me to come back in and get some pictures of the baby’s kidneys and bladder. We didn’t get much more information, but confirmed that the baby’s organs were producing fluid.

Jordan stayed at the hospital to get some work done, so mom and I ran some errands. After all the facts of this situation sank in a little, the emotions of having to run into people who knew I was pregnant and try to explain what was going on was just overwhelming. How do you explain to someone who just found out you were pregnant that there have been major complications? 

As the weekend went on, I tried to think positively. But the only knowledge I had was that there was only a 1-2% chance my baby was going to live much longer. I had Jordan hide all of the baby stuff we had already bought and began to mourn the loss of our child. That weekend, any time I would see a pregnant woman, my thoughts would automatically gravitate towards “I am not going to get to look like that in the spring.” But, I would continue to pray and remind myself of God’s promises. “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” Psalm 139:16.  

That following Monday I decided to go to work because I was either going to sit at home and think about everything or go to work and be a little distracted. My appointment to see my doctor was at 3:00, so I just had to make it through a little more than half a workday. When Jordan and I got to the appointment, we were both just praying for a heartbeat and some guidance on how to make this process a little easier. They did the ultrasound and the baby had a really strong heartbeat, 167. All the organs were still looking the way they should, but there was still no fluid. The ultrasound tech was very talkative but was able to share some stories of women with similar situations. So she told me I needed to majorly increase my fluids in order to get more fluid to the baby.  Then, when we sat down and talked to the doctor, we had a few questions about what the situation would look like if the baby happened to pass away and if there was anything he could suggest for me to do to help the fluid stay inside my uterus. Historically, bed rest would have been the first option, but after some research it hasn’t proved to do as much good in a situation like mine. He told me to stay at pelvic rest, increase my fluid, and make sure I am not showing signs of infection.

I left this appointment encouraged. I had heard some stories of other women’s babies surviving, and was told a few things that might be able to help me stay healthy and keep this baby alive. I was going to do everything physically possible to keep my body healthy, but I also needed to pray that the Ultimate Physician would intervene and perform a miracle with my child. It was this very same day that my friend Dana shared with me a daily devotion blog called She Reads Truth. God knew exactly what truths I needed to be reminded of that day and for the next 13 days; Give Thanks In Everything.  I would encourage everyone to visit that website and take a look at the Give Thanks devotional. 

I followed the devotion day by day and continually tried to remind myself to give thanks for this situation. I have to remember that God is the past, present and future and He is already present in May when this baby is supposed to be born. He knows the outcome of this baby’s life and I trust in His plan.  But, we all have our days, and the Sunday before my next appointment was one of those days. I was anxious, nervous and just wanted to be at the appointment as soon as I could. There are a lot of things that can happen in a week, and all I prayed was that the baby would still have a heartbeat. I had continued to have some leaking throughout the week, so I wasn’t too hopefully for fluid, but if the baby had a heartbeat that would be a miracle of its own. Jordan couldn’t attend this appointment, so mom went with me. Neither of us were prepared for what kind of a miracle God had in store.

Susan was scheduled to do my ultrasound again. The first thing they always look for is the heartbeat, and it was around 157. Praise be to the Lord; an answer to prayer. She looked around at all the organs, and everything was still looking good. She decided to take a closer look at the heart, and I will never ever forget what she saw. The look of amazement on her face was enough encouragement to me to keep praying and staying as positive as I could about this pregnancy. She said that in her 27 years of being an ultrasound tech, she had never been able to see all four chambers of a baby’s heart around 16 weeks with no fluid around the baby. Even with fluid, she told us that it is still very hard to see all four.  But because we serve a God who is bigger than science, baby E showed all four chambers of his or her heart. What a miracle!! I will continue to be amazed by God’s works through this pregnancy, no matter what the outcome may be.

This is our journey. I would love for you to join along and pray for us while we are on this journey. I will be posting updates via Facebook hopefully on a regular basis. Thank you to all of you who have already been a major part of the journey of Baby E.